I CAN'T HIDE, RIGGER

[JILLIAN KATE MARCILLE]

The holidays were always hard on Jillian. She never showed it. She couldn’t show it. Ruth needed her to be strong and keep on with what should be done. She did everything to keep her daughter’s life as normal as possible. To make sure Ruth was happy. It was what mattered to Jillian. As much as she tried though, she couldn’t stop herself from missing Andrew. Decorating the Christmas tree, she’d find one of the first ornaments they’d brought together and she’d feel a wave of emotions wash over her. The count down on New Year’s would start and she’d remember their first kiss was at a new years eve party. A life time of memories involved Andrew, and she couldn’t run from those. She could try to run, but in the end they caught up with her. That was the thing with things you wanted to escape, they always found you.

All Christmas long, Jillian had pushed thoughts of her late husband aside. She’d focused on enjoying the holiday. For the most part she had succeeded. She knew though, that it had only been a brief reprieve. Suppressed feelings didn’t leave you. They built up inside. Laying dormant until you had no choice but to let them out. For Jillian, it was usually in ways she’d b never expect. Something so tiny that really had nothing to do with Andrew would set her off, and that would be it. It was impossible to tell when it was coming, so there were times she’d have to hide it from her daughter. Which actually caused further repressing. Which made things worse. For Jillian, at least, it was the fact she’d never allowed herself to openly deal with what happened, that was stopping her from moving on. Closure was something she needed, but it eluded her.

Standing at the kitchen sink, Jill was staring into the dish water. She had been standing there, completely still for a few moments now. She had been doing the dishes after her dinner, listening to the radio. It was a Saturday night and Ruth was at a friend’s house, so Jillian had been enjoying a night alone. She didn’t mind her own company, so it hadn’t bothered her much. The station she had put on was playing a lot of old songs, mostly from the sixties and seventies. Jillian wasn’t sure why, but when the song that was currently playing had started, she stopped in her actions. She just stood there, staring at her hands submerged in the warm water. Her mind blurring slightly, no coherent thoughts.

And when we touch, I feel happy inside. It’s such a feeling that my love I can’t hide. Jillian’s mind cleared, and an image found its way to her. A memory really. Rigger taking her hand in his, grin on his features. Warmth spread through her. Starting in her stomach. Her hand tingled. Even though it was submerged in water, she could almost feel the warmth of his hand. See the slight contrast of their skin tones. As fast as the warmth had spread though, Jillian felt it slipping. She tried to hold onto it- she loved the feeling, but it slipped away, and was replaced with an ice cold guilt. She shouldn’t want to hold anyone else’s hand. It-it wasn’t right. Jill swallowed hard. Bringing her hands out of the water. They were shaking but that was okay. With her right hand she touched the tan line of her ring finger.

With the exception of times it could get ruined, she still wore her ring. However, now, looking at the band of skin that never saw the son, she felt her chest tightening. Backing away from the sink, Jillian shook her head. Tears stinging the woman’s eyes. She was- She. She couldn’t.. It wasn’t that-. Thoughts started in her mind, but never finished. Letting the tears fall freely, the woman let her mind slip into a hazy grief. Her thoughts not comprehendible. Which was probably best. She could just give over to the feeling, instead of dwelling on the thoughts. Letting herself slip down, she sat on the floor. Shoulder pressed into the cupboard, and knees pressed up to her chin. A rather childlike position, but one she felt safe in. Her chest ached. Sobs ripping through her. She’d given in.

N O T E S , sorry... it's really bad. I had an idea and the muse but it turned out not what I wanted. Take your time replying darlin'.